I'm not sure what i'm suposed to write in these blogs, i seem to be using it for more of a journal than most of the people's that i've seen. To strangers, i must look nurotic and completly emotional. what can i say, i'm a woman. so, if you are reading through these silly messages thinking, "what a basket case," sorry, i am just very open about my feelings and completely transparent because i don't lie very well! so that's a good thing right?
This week also has been crazy. i've been fightin with myself, ripping myself apart. regretful every part of me, not happy with anything. a friend got fired at school, and i feel to blame. will it be my fault if he looses everything? should i feel guilty for wanting the something? well i do (feel guilty). i hate that i deserve it. i hate that i know it. i hate my body, and how i look when i try to cover it, while making people think that i am so confident in my own skin. it just feels like a lie. if i fell apart, would anyone be shocked, or would everyone know it was coming. maybe im just selfish for not being happy with what god gave me. or am i wrong for letting it get to this point. i try to hide myself in positivity, give advice, as if i am so put together, is it fake? does everyone fell this way from time to time?
its not about me
dont take it personal. its not you, and i know that its not really me, but it is. for so long i have avoided the subject, and purposly pushed everyone away when the topic became about me. come to think of it, remaining in the background has not been that difficult. i think that is why it has worked all of these years. you like to be the center of attention, and dont share the spotlight naturally, but that is part of your charm. and that has been perfectly okay with me. ive learned how to change the subject to something that interests you, and you used to fall for it everytime. so, lets just keep it that way. dont ask any more questions. im fine. just wanna share what's on my mind.
This week also has been crazy. i've been fightin with myself, ripping myself apart. regretful every part of me, not happy with anything. a friend got fired at school, and i feel to blame. will it be my fault if he looses everything? should i feel guilty for wanting the something? well i do (feel guilty). i hate that i deserve it. i hate that i know it. i hate my body, and how i look when i try to cover it, while making people think that i am so confident in my own skin. it just feels like a lie. if i fell apart, would anyone be shocked, or would everyone know it was coming. maybe im just selfish for not being happy with what god gave me. or am i wrong for letting it get to this point. i try to hide myself in positivity, give advice, as if i am so put together, is it fake? does everyone fell this way from time to time?
its not about me
dont take it personal. its not you, and i know that its not really me, but it is. for so long i have avoided the subject, and purposly pushed everyone away when the topic became about me. come to think of it, remaining in the background has not been that difficult. i think that is why it has worked all of these years. you like to be the center of attention, and dont share the spotlight naturally, but that is part of your charm. and that has been perfectly okay with me. ive learned how to change the subject to something that interests you, and you used to fall for it everytime. so, lets just keep it that way. dont ask any more questions. im fine. just wanna share what's on my mind.
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